The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks) (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} sexualcabinetry) wrote,@ 2008-10-16 10:44:00 |
|
四天王 Four Heavenly Kings
There comes a time in every young man's life when he must put away childish things, choose a Pokemon from a cranky old professor and make his way to the Pokemon league. It's a sad part about growing up.
As I now possess all eight Pokemon Gym Badges, I am now entitled to paddle my way to the Elite Four, who stand as my final challenge before I technically win the game (Pokemon doesn't actually have an ending, believe it or not. You just keep going until you have filled the Pokedex, which is an impossibility unless you're 12 and have forty friends to trade Pokemon with). Unlike other RPGs, Pokemon doesn't have a clear cut villain. There is always a misguided Pokemon team (Rocket, Aqua, Magma or Galactic) attempting to capture and abuse a powerful Pokemon to rule the world. The hero always bests the baddies, who learn the error of their ways, and then he progresses on to the Elite Four, four Pokemon masters who call the shots in their bizarrely single-dimensional world.
Poke-Land doesn't need elected officials. The Elite Four make all the decisions and everyone obeys happily, since all they do is walk back and forth in their one room houses and eagerly chat away about Pokemon to anyone who asks. At least, that is my perception of bizarro Poke-Land. There seems to be a police system, armed with Hoot-Hoots, clubs and flashlights, and towns usually have an elder to give advice, but there aren't any mayors, city councils, kings or potentates. Everybody just seems blissfully numbed. Perhaps Poke-Land is a sort of purgatory, and the Pokemon are actually the puppetmasters. Pokemon Mystery Dungeon seems to suggest that they have a much clearer and more organized social structure than the humans do. We might not ever know for sure unless Shigeru Miyamoto gets a bug up his ass about it.
That man is unflappable.
Anyway, the Elite Four are not villains. They are absolutely, completely, unflinchingly supportive of you as you kick their everloving asses and send their adorable minions to Nurse Joy for recovery. They have this odd, stilted, vaguely Scientologist demeanor. They want you to beat them. They happily give you money when you do. Whatever it takes to keep you involved, man. Drink the purple Kool-Aid.
Amusingly, the Elite Four in Japanese is 四天王, translating directly to "Four Heavenly Kings". That suddenly puts everything into scope and now you can recognize that they're actually gods. That makes everything better.
Let's meet them, shall we? (Bear in mind that this is the Elite Four of the Sinnoh Region, each region having it's own Pokedex and Pokemon League structure.)
Aaron
Aaron is a Bug-type collector. This is an enormous in-joke in the series, since the Bug Catchers are a clique of starter-level encounters that have become a bit of a fan favorite for their pathetic uselessness. A running in-joke through each generation of games is that the Bug Catchers steadily grow in age, but all have the same interests. In the 4th Generation, Sinnoh, the Bug Catchers have grown up to become Bug Maniacs, of which Aaron is the undoubted leader.
The most disturbing thing about Aaron is his opening screed about "perfection".
"Would you like to know why I take on challengers here, in this room? It's because I want to become perfect, just like my bug Pokémon! Ok! Let me take you on!"
Aaron's best Pokemon is Vespiquen, which evolves only from female Combees. Combees are next to impossible to catch since you have to slather Honey on very specific trees, and wait 6 hours. Since I play for an hour nightly before turning in, I haven't had the opportunity to see a Combee. Sigh.
Bertha
I don't know what to say about Bertha. She's probably allowed in the Elite Four more out of pity than anything else, but who's to say she doesn't have really good blackmail on Aaron? She battles with Ground-type, which have a brutal, glaring, fatal flaw: a Flying or Ghost-type is always going to have Levitation as their special ability, making them invincible to earthquakes, tremors, sandstorms and whatever else Ground-types like to throw around. Make no mistake, Ground-types are powerful and totally useful, particularly against Dragon and Electric-types, but the town immediately before Victory Road has a free lvl 45 Haunter to anyone who wants to trade. Just to put that into context, that's the White Wolf equivalent of giving out free Protean 3 to anyone who asks. It's just that silly.
I don't know if the designers intended to give you such a powerful weapon against Bertha. Frankly, I like Bertha. I don't really want to mutilate her Pokemon but it's either her or me. AND I KNOW WHICH WAY I'M GOING.
Flint
Why, no. That's not Ronald McDonald. That's Flint, the Fire-type Elite! Flint is the most proactive of the Elite Four, visiting the player a few times in the game long before the Elite Four, basically reminding them of the point of the game. Flint is a badass. Any guy who can wear a whitey fro like that deserves my respect. Since he flat out tells you he's a Fire-type trainer back several Gyms previously, I went ahead and took the liberty of training a Rapidash and a Golduck, a high power Fire-type and a high power Water-type.
This is an instance where nationalization didn't work in favor of English. Yes, we get it, Flint and Steel start a fire. It's a little esoteric and out of sync with the other languages. He's called "Ignaz" in German (from the Latin "ignis"), "Vulcano" in Italian and "Fausto" in Italian. I like "Ignaz" a lot. I might borrow that for something else.
Lucien
Lucien is an anomaly. He's using Psychic-type even though there was already a Psychic-type Gym earlier in the game. That is a precedent, since it's never been done in any of the previous three generations.
I hate Lucien. I really, really, really hate Lucien.
I have pretty decent defense against Psychic-types with my Blissey, who is an egg-shaped tank with 300 hp on her. The problem is that Blisseys are not built for offense, and her best trick is Sing-Dream Eater, which doesn't work on Psychic-types. I end up having to use my Luxray, Almond Joy, who has Hyper Beam and Thunder Fang, but is not particularly strong against Psychics. He gets confused and paralyzed frequently. If I survive a battle with Lucien it's a freak anomaly of critical-hit ratios and large numbers of Hyper Potions. I like to call him "Lucien Malfoy" because that's who he reminds me of.
Fuck you, Lucien.
Now, that's four Elite Fours, right? JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER, HA HA. You get to deal with the last one, the Champion. I'm not sure where Champions fit in with the Elite Four's political domination of Poke-Land.
Cynthia, aka "My Sharona"
She's named "Sharona" in Japanese, but the English translators didn't want to have everybody over the age of 20 playing this game mock her every time she came up. We all still call her "My Sharona" anyway, at least those of us nerdy enough to pay attention to Bulbapedia and the Pokemopolis forums (oy... did I just reveal too much?).
Sharona is evil. She hates you. She doesn't have a theme to her team and is stacked with lvl 60 and up monsters like Milotic, Spiritomb and Garchomp. Milotic and Spiritomb are nearly impossible for the casual player to get.
Milotic requires that you get a Feebus (the ugly Magikarp clone that's only available in four squares in the game, at an 8% encounter ratio) and max out it's Beauty stat with Poffins. Poffins are Pokemon food that is a really annoying bitch to make since it requires you to use the touch screen to stir batter. Even if you do evolve a Milotic, it's likely to be at a fairly low level, since Feebus is retarded in battle and nobody likes him.
Spiritomb is equally annoying. There is only one Spiritomb in the game, and he only appears after you've talked to 32 people in multiplayer. I'd rather be masturbating. That said, Spiritomb is not a true Pokemon as it is actually the dead souls of 88 humans trapped in a pot. Cynthia is a cheater. A dirty, rotten, filthy whore of a cunt.
I know, rite?
OH AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS OVER
You have to deal with the annoying Rival, who started the game with you and is a retarded recurring character. He's always got the superior starter-Pokemon (I got a Turtwig, so he got a Chimchar, Fire trumps Grass). He's an asshole and I named him "Chris" after Mr. Furniss, who is similarly assholian.
There comes a time in every young man's life when he must put away childish things, choose a Pokemon from a cranky old professor and make his way to the Pokemon league. It's a sad part about growing up.
As I now possess all eight Pokemon Gym Badges, I am now entitled to paddle my way to the Elite Four, who stand as my final challenge before I technically win the game (Pokemon doesn't actually have an ending, believe it or not. You just keep going until you have filled the Pokedex, which is an impossibility unless you're 12 and have forty friends to trade Pokemon with). Unlike other RPGs, Pokemon doesn't have a clear cut villain. There is always a misguided Pokemon team (Rocket, Aqua, Magma or Galactic) attempting to capture and abuse a powerful Pokemon to rule the world. The hero always bests the baddies, who learn the error of their ways, and then he progresses on to the Elite Four, four Pokemon masters who call the shots in their bizarrely single-dimensional world.
Poke-Land doesn't need elected officials. The Elite Four make all the decisions and everyone obeys happily, since all they do is walk back and forth in their one room houses and eagerly chat away about Pokemon to anyone who asks. At least, that is my perception of bizarro Poke-Land. There seems to be a police system, armed with Hoot-Hoots, clubs and flashlights, and towns usually have an elder to give advice, but there aren't any mayors, city councils, kings or potentates. Everybody just seems blissfully numbed. Perhaps Poke-Land is a sort of purgatory, and the Pokemon are actually the puppetmasters. Pokemon Mystery Dungeon seems to suggest that they have a much clearer and more organized social structure than the humans do. We might not ever know for sure unless Shigeru Miyamoto gets a bug up his ass about it.
That man is unflappable.
Anyway, the Elite Four are not villains. They are absolutely, completely, unflinchingly supportive of you as you kick their everloving asses and send their adorable minions to Nurse Joy for recovery. They have this odd, stilted, vaguely Scientologist demeanor. They want you to beat them. They happily give you money when you do. Whatever it takes to keep you involved, man. Drink the purple Kool-Aid.
Amusingly, the Elite Four in Japanese is 四天王, translating directly to "Four Heavenly Kings". That suddenly puts everything into scope and now you can recognize that they're actually gods. That makes everything better.
Let's meet them, shall we? (Bear in mind that this is the Elite Four of the Sinnoh Region, each region having it's own Pokedex and Pokemon League structure.)
Aaron
Aaron is a Bug-type collector. This is an enormous in-joke in the series, since the Bug Catchers are a clique of starter-level encounters that have become a bit of a fan favorite for their pathetic uselessness. A running in-joke through each generation of games is that the Bug Catchers steadily grow in age, but all have the same interests. In the 4th Generation, Sinnoh, the Bug Catchers have grown up to become Bug Maniacs, of which Aaron is the undoubted leader.
The most disturbing thing about Aaron is his opening screed about "perfection".
"Would you like to know why I take on challengers here, in this room? It's because I want to become perfect, just like my bug Pokémon! Ok! Let me take you on!"
Aaron's best Pokemon is Vespiquen, which evolves only from female Combees. Combees are next to impossible to catch since you have to slather Honey on very specific trees, and wait 6 hours. Since I play for an hour nightly before turning in, I haven't had the opportunity to see a Combee. Sigh.
Bertha
I don't know what to say about Bertha. She's probably allowed in the Elite Four more out of pity than anything else, but who's to say she doesn't have really good blackmail on Aaron? She battles with Ground-type, which have a brutal, glaring, fatal flaw: a Flying or Ghost-type is always going to have Levitation as their special ability, making them invincible to earthquakes, tremors, sandstorms and whatever else Ground-types like to throw around. Make no mistake, Ground-types are powerful and totally useful, particularly against Dragon and Electric-types, but the town immediately before Victory Road has a free lvl 45 Haunter to anyone who wants to trade. Just to put that into context, that's the White Wolf equivalent of giving out free Protean 3 to anyone who asks. It's just that silly.
I don't know if the designers intended to give you such a powerful weapon against Bertha. Frankly, I like Bertha. I don't really want to mutilate her Pokemon but it's either her or me. AND I KNOW WHICH WAY I'M GOING.
Flint
Why, no. That's not Ronald McDonald. That's Flint, the Fire-type Elite! Flint is the most proactive of the Elite Four, visiting the player a few times in the game long before the Elite Four, basically reminding them of the point of the game. Flint is a badass. Any guy who can wear a whitey fro like that deserves my respect. Since he flat out tells you he's a Fire-type trainer back several Gyms previously, I went ahead and took the liberty of training a Rapidash and a Golduck, a high power Fire-type and a high power Water-type.
This is an instance where nationalization didn't work in favor of English. Yes, we get it, Flint and Steel start a fire. It's a little esoteric and out of sync with the other languages. He's called "Ignaz" in German (from the Latin "ignis"), "Vulcano" in Italian and "Fausto" in Italian. I like "Ignaz" a lot. I might borrow that for something else.
Lucien
Lucien is an anomaly. He's using Psychic-type even though there was already a Psychic-type Gym earlier in the game. That is a precedent, since it's never been done in any of the previous three generations.
I hate Lucien. I really, really, really hate Lucien.
I have pretty decent defense against Psychic-types with my Blissey, who is an egg-shaped tank with 300 hp on her. The problem is that Blisseys are not built for offense, and her best trick is Sing-Dream Eater, which doesn't work on Psychic-types. I end up having to use my Luxray, Almond Joy, who has Hyper Beam and Thunder Fang, but is not particularly strong against Psychics. He gets confused and paralyzed frequently. If I survive a battle with Lucien it's a freak anomaly of critical-hit ratios and large numbers of Hyper Potions. I like to call him "Lucien Malfoy" because that's who he reminds me of.
Fuck you, Lucien.
Now, that's four Elite Fours, right? JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER, HA HA. You get to deal with the last one, the Champion. I'm not sure where Champions fit in with the Elite Four's political domination of Poke-Land.
Cynthia, aka "My Sharona"
She's named "Sharona" in Japanese, but the English translators didn't want to have everybody over the age of 20 playing this game mock her every time she came up. We all still call her "My Sharona" anyway, at least those of us nerdy enough to pay attention to Bulbapedia and the Pokemopolis forums (oy... did I just reveal too much?).
Sharona is evil. She hates you. She doesn't have a theme to her team and is stacked with lvl 60 and up monsters like Milotic, Spiritomb and Garchomp. Milotic and Spiritomb are nearly impossible for the casual player to get.
Milotic requires that you get a Feebus (the ugly Magikarp clone that's only available in four squares in the game, at an 8% encounter ratio) and max out it's Beauty stat with Poffins. Poffins are Pokemon food that is a really annoying bitch to make since it requires you to use the touch screen to stir batter. Even if you do evolve a Milotic, it's likely to be at a fairly low level, since Feebus is retarded in battle and nobody likes him.
Spiritomb is equally annoying. There is only one Spiritomb in the game, and he only appears after you've talked to 32 people in multiplayer. I'd rather be masturbating. That said, Spiritomb is not a true Pokemon as it is actually the dead souls of 88 humans trapped in a pot. Cynthia is a cheater. A dirty, rotten, filthy whore of a cunt.
I know, rite?
OH AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS OVER
You have to deal with the annoying Rival, who started the game with you and is a retarded recurring character. He's always got the superior starter-Pokemon (I got a Turtwig, so he got a Chimchar, Fire trumps Grass). He's an asshole and I named him "Chris" after Mr. Furniss, who is similarly assholian.
