Log in

fish and plankton and sea greens and proteins from the sea [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)

[ website | adorablepuppies ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2010|04:42 am]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
The Dirgebrain situation:

The epic dining hall is now complete. It contains over 300 statues, 200 tables and 200 chairs, every square inch of it is engraved, and an extremely large grated well is situated in the center of it. Looming over it all (in the vast darkness... it's a 3-z level excavation) is a caged giantess on top of a sterling silver plinth, the unlikely pet of the Dirgebrain proles. A large obsidian castle is being built AROUND the giantess, which I have nicknamed "Bitey", so that the level of elitism can get even sillier.

After four years of sleeping in barracks, the entire population (98) FINALLY has bedrooms, and everyone has a table of their own.

To celebrate the accomplishment of so much desperate accomplishment, "The Marshes of Rivers", an obsidian BED, has been created. The mayor-of-the-week gets to sleep on it as a "privilege".

Now comes the fun of building and training the military, which I've been avoiding the whole time.
linkpost comment

The epic dining hall [Oct. 21st, 2010|05:12 pm]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
The dwarves are now planning the "epic dining hall", which is a gigantic, huge room, three stories excavated. The walls will be engraved on all three floors, a waterfall will operate to generate happy mistings, and solid gold statues will decorate the hall, held up by cobaltite pedastals.

Unfortunately, this plan will basically take forever to accomplish.
linkpost comment

Crocodiles from below, cougars from above [Oct. 16th, 2010|01:57 am]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
The latest edition of DF is kicking my ass. The Dwarf-vs-Everything thing has been ratcheted up to such a degree that I'm having difficulty adjusting. At this point, I've lost all seven of my starting dwarves and most of my current fort to a combination of cougars and cave crocodiles, because I opened the caverns too early.

The cougars are attacking any non-soldier that goes outside, making it impossible to chop wood or gather plants. My military is, at present, too small and poorly trained to face natural enemies, and I was hoping to avoid them with my loads of traps.

Meanwhile, the traps I had built to halt the naked mole dog infestation have been jamming frequently, leading to a rush of cave crocodiles bypassing the traps entirely and attacking the dwarves where they live directly. My expedition leader, the only educated dwarf who knew anything about bookkeeping, was the first to go, and thus the economy is frozen, as nobody else knows how to count. The plus side is that there's 1000+ meals and booze-barrels to last for a few more years, but the likelihood of anyone staying alive long enough to enjoy them is rapidly getting slim. The crocodiles are no longer much of an issue, but the cougars just keep multiplying, and it's only a matter of time until goblin raids start up.

And the new terror? Infection. I can't seem to figure out the medical trade, and I haven't built a sick ward to contain sick dwarves. Thus, any dwarf who gets even slightly hurt will die of a horrible infection within a few weeks. Add to this horror the fact that entire floors are caked in blood and gore enough to make Eli Roth gag, and it's a damn grisly scenario.

On the plus side, we've got a legendary jeweler who keeps cranking out 10,000 dwarfbux value jewels, which are enough to buy nearly any caravan out in no time. This has minimized my need for Dwarven Neanderthal Accountant for right now, but if I lose that jeweler, I'm screwed.
linkpost comment

Ancientabbeys, fortress of horror [Oct. 14th, 2010|02:25 am]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
I have finally upgraded to the next update of DF, and my first dive has been Ancientabbeys, a fortress that seems to be built on top of a gigantic cavern network of rivers, lakes, underground forests, and monsters. What kind of monsters?

Giant spiders and naked mole dogs.

The doods broke into the cavern from above, and immediately they noticed something dreadful: endless giant spider webs, all over the space. At first there was some excitement in the ranks, as among the giant spider webs were also diamonds, rubies and natural silver, but they weren't sure what to do. As they returned to the surface to plan their next move, a swarm of naked mole dogs jumped into the tunnel behind them and started infesting the lower levels of the new fortress with amazing swiftness.

It was decided, rather wisely, to wall up the cavern until a military could be built to assist any mining efforts in the tunnel. On the way down, the naked mole dogs could be seen flitting in and out of the tunnels, like the Aliens in that movie, "Mary Poppins". The dwarves went insane with terror. Some locked themselves in their bedrooms, others huddles in the well room for safety, while the naked mole dogs raided the food storage facilities and glutted on plump helmet biscuits.

Using every last ounce of fortitude, the mechanic built some traps in an upstairs corridor, and the dwarves waited in subzero temperatures outside, clutching steamy mugs of heated dwarven ale, waiting for the extermination to begin.




They returned downstairs to clean up the little bits of naked mole dog, walled up the caverns, and went back to their dwarvenly duties.

Meanwhile, the spores of mysterious underground mushrooms had started to sprout all over the fortress, colonizing the structure. The dwarves examined them, found some to be edible, and some to be useful for construction. They had cheated death in the horrors of the caverns, and had come out of it with some interesting discoveries, waiting for their next move.
linkpost comment

Slaves of Hitler 2: Dwarf Concentration Camp [Sep. 24th, 2010|12:02 am]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
Hermitanus has failed me, it's benevolent dictator, for the last time.

The dwarves have either taken to hiding the shells of turtles, or they have discovered a peculiar breed of lizard that doesn't have a shell and they call "turtle" just to fuck with me. I have lost four craftsdwarves to Strange Moods because of this, and for this, they shall suffer.

Nobles will be summarily smashed beneath the newly inaugurated Nobles-Only Atom Smashing Bridge Room®, while the proles shall be treated a round of miasma-poisoned corpse water, a forbiddance of all rations except biscuits, all served in lead goblets with a side of lye.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2010|02:47 am]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
This crazy Mexican guy comes into my shop a lot, he looks UNCANNILY like Donald Pleasance as Blofeld, only with a gigantic Sergio Aragones cartoon mustache. He has a dead eye and a scar up and down his face, he's totally a Bond villain.

He has started carrying a machete on his belt, and I asked him what it was he did that mandated the presence of a machete, and he goes "EET'S A TOOL FOR TAKEENG CARE OF BUSINESS."

I gave him a high five and didn't ring up his last Four Loko. I should also note that he doesn't drive because he's had his license yanked for DUI, and rides a BMX from the late 80s everywhere.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Sep. 16th, 2010|12:36 am]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)

oil of bergamot 3 fluid ounces
oil of lavender 1 fluid ounce
oil of lemon 1 fluid ounce
oil of cloves 1 1/4 fluid drachms
oil of cinnamon 2 1/2 fluid drachms
oil of neroli 1/2 fluid drachms
essence of jasmine 6 fluid ounces
essence of musk 2 fluid ounces
alcohol 8 pints
rose water 1 pint

Mix and, if cloudy, filter through
magnesium carbonate.

Interestingly, bergamot, lavender, lemon, neroli and rose are all known ingredients of Coca-Cola. Florida Water is a Victorian era toilet water cologne that is used primarily nowadays as a funerary good, a last-splash perfume put on corpses after embalming to take away that embalming fluid smell. It's also used in death related rites in voodoo and hoodoo culture, and is basically a morbid curiosity in and of itself.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2010|05:38 pm]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
The dwarves of Hermitanus have something of a strange habit of encrusting. Simply put, we have a glut of gems that I scored a wicked deal on (something about skipping a caravan for a whole year leads to whatever was in it the first year being on sale the second... I think), and they have taken to setting said gems into everything.

Mugs? Encrusted with bloodstones.

Chairs? Encrusted with rose quartz and schorls.

Grave-good cloth booties? Encrusted with emeralds.

I basically tell them to "Encrust", and I have no control over what they encrust. They grab the first thing they like and run with it. This leads to curious options.

We've also discovered the green glass terrarium, which is a cage that can hold fish. We now have dozens of aquariums all over the fortress, filled with "cave lobsters", whatever they are. The dwarves love them.
linkpost comment

THE REVENGE OF SMUSH!!!!!! [Sep. 13th, 2010|09:12 pm]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
The story just gets better.

A human guild representative was left at the old fortress, and last I saw him, he was in the group of dwarves being terrified by Smush. I abandoned the fortress, and there he is, Omli the Psychotic Guild Representative.

In the new fortress, Hermitanus, Omli showed back up, and this time he got trapped in the empty moat that wasn't finished yet. He was there for about a year. Meanwhile, in the craftsdwarf's hut, a stone mason didn't get any rough gems, and went violent berserk. Omli, meanwhile, started flashing the blue exclamation. At EXACTLY THE SAME MOMENT, Omli and the Berserk Stonecrafter emerge from their respective spaces at exactly the same time.

Berserk Stonecrafter attacks a few dwarves, murders them. Omli is depressed and suicidal, and isn't moving fast enough. Berserk Stonecrafter rips Omli apart, leaving a gooey little blob of human guild representative on the floor.

I predict a siege out of this, and, frankly, I blame Smush. THAT FUCKING GOBLIN.
linkpost comment

Hermitanus [Sep. 13th, 2010|06:05 am]
The Previous Grand Mufti (aka Max Brooks)
The past must die for the future to be born. That future is Hermitanus.

Situated in the middle of a densely forested jungle, on the very edge of a flowing stream, Hermitanus was founded by seven dwarves looking for a break from the usual cliffside-crater. They decided, from the very beginning, that Hermitanus would be free from the sprawl and wasted space of the previous fortresses of Smosmosdata. From a central shaft, with a moat designed from the immediate embark, Hermitanus was a lucky village. Copper was the main draw, an enormous vein of the metal discovered early on. The rainforest would supply the wood for the smelting industry, and there was a thick layer of yellow sand with which to create a glassmaking factory.

Unfortunately, they forgot to bring any food, and were starving within a season. The dwarves were forced to scrounge for vermin. Some idiot had made the shady exchange of 500 barrels of booze instead of the more reasonable colony purchase of seeds, food and meat.

Nobody owned up to that mistake.
linkpost comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]